I was on a flight to Arizona for Thanksgiving and was seated next to a young man in late high school. I’m a youth worker so I struck up a conversation with him.
“Are you going home or leaving home?”
“Going to visit my grandma for Thanksgiving.”
“Do you live in Detroit?” (That’s where we were flying from.)
“Yes, Dearborn.”
He was talkative enough that I asked a few other questions. “Grandma on your mom’s side or your dad’s?”
“My Dad’s.”
“Who else will be there?”
Over the course of the next twenty minutes, he described his family. He was living with his mom, his sister, and a half brother but was going to Arizona to be with his dad’s side of the family. On that side, he had two married half-brothers from his dad’s first marriage. He had only met them twice. Plus, he’d be spending time with his dad’s third wife and her daughter who was his age, but not a blood relative. In addition, he would meet another half-brother from his dad’s third marriage. Good luck diagraming that family, but it was his!
Only later did I recognize how much he wanted to talk about his family and that, to him, there was nothing odd about it. It was his. He belonged to a family, and that was important!
Many youth today have family histories that are complicated. Grandparents can be a golden thread woven into their grandchildren’s lives when the family identity is broken and especially when it is unrepaired and changing often.
A grandparent’s role isn’t to explain who is to blame. Often the children think they are. “Mom and dad would still be together if it weren’t for me.” You can undo that lie. After all, you are the mother or father, and you could not fix their parents’ marriage no matter how hard you tried. They are children and bear no blame.
“Am I doomed to the same fate?” That is another question they will eventually ask. You can help them grow in confidence that they are not doomed. They can gain the skills to love others unselfishly, especially if they make that a goal now.
A family with a broken past does not mean every descendant will have a broken future. Your grandchildren belong to a real family, whatever it looks like. You can help them see past the brokenness and focus on the best parts of their family situation. You can assist them in discovering the good they can bring to their circumstances.
I never saw that young man from Detroit again but the fact that he saw goodness where others wouldn’t will be a great help to him.
This article was adapted from the book, The Strategic Grandparent, by Michael Shaughnessy. You can buy it online here.
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